I haven't been here in awhile. I have been busy with other life things but in the last few days I'm dealing with a new issue that I don't know if I should talk about here.
This may not be the forum for this. I don't know how to deal with everything spinning around inside my head right now. My husband, my daughter and I had a very upsetting experience this last Sunday and I don't know how to process it. How to put it behind me. How to move on.
My husband and my daughter seem to be dealing well. I trick myself into thinking maybe I'm doing well but then I will be tossed back into that video in my head over the smallest thing. That video that replays the scene over and over again until I'm near panic.I guess I will tell the story here. I don't know what else to do.
We had gone to a sandwich shop for a late lunch on Sunday while out of town. We had been out in the rain and mud all day and hadn't had much to eat. We decided to hit this particular sandwich chain for food. We ordered our meals and got our drinks and had the entire restaurant to ourselves. After a bit of debate with my 11 year old daughter we decided on a table near the window because it was bigger than some of the other tables. We sat down and had just started to take bites of our sandwiches. At that point I looked out the window and noticed a car pulling into the parking spot just outside where we were sitting. The last thought that went through my head was "That car is not stopping." I couldn't even process the thought completely before the car shot over the curb onto the sidewalk and through the glass wall into our table. It pushed us a good 10 ft across the restaurant. It all happened in seconds. By the time we stopped moving I was pinned between the display case by the counter and our table which had flipped up (I think). On the other side of that table was the grill of the car. My husband was on the floor to the right of me, covered in debris. I couldn't see my daughter. The car was still running and the whole room was full of smoke, broken glass and sound. It was disorienting.
My first thought after that was, "where is my daughter?!" I was terrified that she might be under the car in all that debris that was once window, chairs and tables. I had my arms straight out in front of me as if to fend off the car and I was screaming so hard. I kept thinking this is going to end soon. And the car kept being so loud and in my face and I was sure it would continue forward and hit me. I had no idea I had been screaming until the car had finally been backed out and turned off. I heard myself screaming and I heard my daughter screaming. Finally I saw her over in the corner to my left. She was shaking and screaming and reaching towards me but I was pinned by debris. My husband had gotten up and was trying to comfort me and he was obviously having a hard time holding it together. I kept saying to my daughter over and over, "Its okay. We're okay." She kept shaking her head saying "No, no we aren't." At some point I realized I could not see out of my right eye and my lip was really hurting. I could feel blood seeping out of it, trickling down the corner of my mouth. I kept running my tongue over the upper teeth on the right side of my mouth searching for holes where teeth may have fallen out. I looked down at my hands and saw blood all over them. I couldn't move my left leg. It was pinned behind a lot of debris. It hurt and I was shaking so much I couldn't control my body any longer. I felt outside of myself for a few minutes. I stopped talking, screaming and trying to move. I just sat there against the display case and trembled while my husband kept trying to get through to 911.
Well, I should tell you right now we were all okay. I have stitches in my upper lip and a gash above my right eye. My right eye is also black and my left leg is scraped and seriously bruised. I got the worst of the injuries. My daughter had one scrape and a couple of bruises on her leg. That was it! My husband hand bruises and scrapes on his lower legs. We were loaded into the ambulance and taken to the hospital where they cleaned us up and evaluated us. My husband and I got x-rays and cat scans and I got my stitches.
So, this story ends on a miraculously happy note. But I can't shake the nightmares. I can't sleep. I can't shake the funk I'm in. I can't get over the anxiety and fear and anger. A lot of anger! Why did this have to happen to us?
The woman that hit us had just come across the street from the retirement center and was attempting to park in front of the sandwich shop when she got confused and stepped on her gas pedal thinking it was the break.
It was that simple. One small mistake. A moment of confusion. I feel bad for her. And yet I want to hate her. I am so mad that this one moment of confusion on her part has changed my life. And I feel so weak for not being able to control that. I should be stronger than this. I need to move on. But I can't.
I can't.
So, if I wanted to tie this into an art related post I would have to say that I've started a series of oil paintings that stem from this experience. I am so angry and so are these paintings. I don't know if I will show them publicly yet but I am compelled to paint them.
There is my really long and crazy story. Thank you for being my sounding board. I will try really hard to not use this as the sounding board for this particular issue again. I've got work ahead of me in counseling and I'm seeking that out. I just needed to tell my story.
This may not be the forum for this. I don't know how to deal with everything spinning around inside my head right now. My husband, my daughter and I had a very upsetting experience this last Sunday and I don't know how to process it. How to put it behind me. How to move on.
My husband and my daughter seem to be dealing well. I trick myself into thinking maybe I'm doing well but then I will be tossed back into that video in my head over the smallest thing. That video that replays the scene over and over again until I'm near panic.I guess I will tell the story here. I don't know what else to do.
We had gone to a sandwich shop for a late lunch on Sunday while out of town. We had been out in the rain and mud all day and hadn't had much to eat. We decided to hit this particular sandwich chain for food. We ordered our meals and got our drinks and had the entire restaurant to ourselves. After a bit of debate with my 11 year old daughter we decided on a table near the window because it was bigger than some of the other tables. We sat down and had just started to take bites of our sandwiches. At that point I looked out the window and noticed a car pulling into the parking spot just outside where we were sitting. The last thought that went through my head was "That car is not stopping." I couldn't even process the thought completely before the car shot over the curb onto the sidewalk and through the glass wall into our table. It pushed us a good 10 ft across the restaurant. It all happened in seconds. By the time we stopped moving I was pinned between the display case by the counter and our table which had flipped up (I think). On the other side of that table was the grill of the car. My husband was on the floor to the right of me, covered in debris. I couldn't see my daughter. The car was still running and the whole room was full of smoke, broken glass and sound. It was disorienting.
My first thought after that was, "where is my daughter?!" I was terrified that she might be under the car in all that debris that was once window, chairs and tables. I had my arms straight out in front of me as if to fend off the car and I was screaming so hard. I kept thinking this is going to end soon. And the car kept being so loud and in my face and I was sure it would continue forward and hit me. I had no idea I had been screaming until the car had finally been backed out and turned off. I heard myself screaming and I heard my daughter screaming. Finally I saw her over in the corner to my left. She was shaking and screaming and reaching towards me but I was pinned by debris. My husband had gotten up and was trying to comfort me and he was obviously having a hard time holding it together. I kept saying to my daughter over and over, "Its okay. We're okay." She kept shaking her head saying "No, no we aren't." At some point I realized I could not see out of my right eye and my lip was really hurting. I could feel blood seeping out of it, trickling down the corner of my mouth. I kept running my tongue over the upper teeth on the right side of my mouth searching for holes where teeth may have fallen out. I looked down at my hands and saw blood all over them. I couldn't move my left leg. It was pinned behind a lot of debris. It hurt and I was shaking so much I couldn't control my body any longer. I felt outside of myself for a few minutes. I stopped talking, screaming and trying to move. I just sat there against the display case and trembled while my husband kept trying to get through to 911.
Well, I should tell you right now we were all okay. I have stitches in my upper lip and a gash above my right eye. My right eye is also black and my left leg is scraped and seriously bruised. I got the worst of the injuries. My daughter had one scrape and a couple of bruises on her leg. That was it! My husband hand bruises and scrapes on his lower legs. We were loaded into the ambulance and taken to the hospital where they cleaned us up and evaluated us. My husband and I got x-rays and cat scans and I got my stitches.
So, this story ends on a miraculously happy note. But I can't shake the nightmares. I can't sleep. I can't shake the funk I'm in. I can't get over the anxiety and fear and anger. A lot of anger! Why did this have to happen to us?
The woman that hit us had just come across the street from the retirement center and was attempting to park in front of the sandwich shop when she got confused and stepped on her gas pedal thinking it was the break.
It was that simple. One small mistake. A moment of confusion. I feel bad for her. And yet I want to hate her. I am so mad that this one moment of confusion on her part has changed my life. And I feel so weak for not being able to control that. I should be stronger than this. I need to move on. But I can't.
I can't.
So, if I wanted to tie this into an art related post I would have to say that I've started a series of oil paintings that stem from this experience. I am so angry and so are these paintings. I don't know if I will show them publicly yet but I am compelled to paint them.
There is my really long and crazy story. Thank you for being my sounding board. I will try really hard to not use this as the sounding board for this particular issue again. I've got work ahead of me in counseling and I'm seeking that out. I just needed to tell my story.
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